Hello!

 

I'm continually working at myself- every damn day. I'm a sister, a woman, wife, helper, a PROUD bed sharer, friend, and mother. I am passionate about suicide prevention & addiction support. My husband is a first responder with minimal predictability in his schedule. He is my biggest supporter & one to get on my nerves. We are blessed to have a healthy dog- Blue & 2 boys. I have been in the mental health arena since 2008- hospitals, treatment centers, meeting people in the middle of a rain storm if they needed. You name it- I've probably assessed someone- at funky hours of the night, with a variety of struggles. I'm grateful and humbled for all who have trusted me. 

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My career has taken much of a halt as a crisis, trauma, & grief support therapist. I took planned time off before my first was born & experienced the horrendous, heart-breaking loss of my cousin while I was pregnant. Why did no one ever talk about how dealing with grief was 10X harder while you had to be "calm" and attentive to the growing baby inside? It was the most difficult death I could have ever envisioned. Then, shortly after my son's grateful healthy arrival, the world shut down shortly after giving birth- with COVID hitting the US. I've experienced much loss in my life- then with 3 additional  family members during the pandemic. Family couldn't hug, eat together, pay respects. As a new mother navigating the world of new hormones, body changes (making milk is no easy task), on minimal sleep- I became anxious, isolated, and doubtful of my capabilities.

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Even as a grief therapist- I am a firm believer that loss truly changes us. How can we not be different people? It often changes the trajectory of everything. I am grateful for some of the best supports- both in state & around the country. The family I have has been a saving grace. I have not seen some of my close friends in years. I got back into therapy with a clinician I'll never meet. My private practice that I was so proud to build- felt like it was crumbling. People didn't know what to do, but they knew they needed connection- even if while rocking their pajamas and sitting in their car to have privacy. It felt unnatural at first. I realized COVID brought an appreciation for phone calls again- for messages, for old school mail instead of bills to surprise us. I continually worked to practice patience.

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I made a professional decision to help whoever felt like a good fit as along as they were comfortable with virtual services. I transitioned back to work while caring for my son. I became pregnant when my son was 1 1/2 & had a very rough pregnancy with significant sickness, weight loss, and pain. I had a horrendous birth experience and both the baby & I were mistreated significantly at the hospital. I left against medical advice and vouched to be my own advocate for myself & child- losing comfort in the care team I had. I thought of first time mothers & those with limited support of others. Caring for babies should mean caring for moms. Adjusting to life with 2 should not be minimized. It pulls constantly at our heart strings to love more- even more than we think possible, and help keep the family afloat.

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My work re-entry was a slow one, as I had much residual back, hip, and bodily pain where I never experienced prior. I grew up an athlete- playing soccer, doing competitive boot camps and Spartan races. I used to run in mud & jump up walls. How could I struggle just to put my sock on? Why was no one talking about this? Childbirth and recovery of the mom is WORK. Mental and physical work. My chiropractor has been one of the most knowledgeable, validating, and gentle supports I could have ever anticipated. The healing journey has finally started to feel a bit more comfortable. I felt grateful to make my own hours and to work for myself. I have that oomph to honor what feels right for my family above everything.

 

I realized along the way that I lost connections to coworkers, a team, and many others then caring for 2 children with my puppy child. I was fortunate enough to be on the breastfeeding journey again- which I am still on. If I worked for an agency, I would have 100% been fired, unable to keep up with pumping while away, and also didn't want to miss time from my boys. The moms I knew who went back to work mostly experienced dread, extreme guilt, fearfulness, physical pain (nursing adjustment), and sadness.

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I'd rather be stubborn and save even minimal income I could on childcare. I could be as present as possible in helping to shape them into happy & healthy boys. I am SO proud at what my body has done, beyond the pregnancy months. I've had this spark and assertiveness I never had has a new mom and needed to navigate a lot with allowing new people in my space, cutting ties with people who brought me down, and honored what felt right for me as a mom.

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As the world has gone back to life again, I find myself putting myself last- as so many women do. I joked around for months telling even strangers in passing- I'm lucky if I wash my face every day. Only recently have I honed in on giving myself that time to helping small moments of grace and intention to create overall better health habits to be the best version of myself. That means more journaling, more listening to podcasts, more reflection. Less obligation & less noise. I want to help as many women as possible in their new journey ahead. We are stronger than we feel. Thank you for your time, curiosity, and openness in whatever being here may bring.