Guilt & Love

O hey November (how the HELL are we here?)

Hope you are doing well & taking moments for yourself- even if during a quick pee solo, having some Halloween candy without interruption when the house sleeps, or just getting fuzzy socks situated in these colder nights.

My heart has been thinking of a special family I know who lost a young mom this week, as well as an anniversary passing of a mom who lost her sweet babe. I don’t have frequent conversations with the families and it has been YEARS that I even saw them. I just have kept them in my prayers & heart. Please know this time of year- especially around the holidays can be painfully heartbreaking for some. Be good to people. Ultimately- most times, people are doing their absolute best.

I went to an amazing wedding last week & a family member commented on me dancing. I felt so silly, free, and excited to be there. I was pretty sober sally and was away from the kids a long time that day. I felt bad at times & knew they would be off sleep wise without us being there. However, as the jams kept coming on, I just let it go & allowed myself to have fun- TRULY. I love myself a good kid’s beat but damn- music like LUDA remixes, some Spanish dancing, or just some Journey guitar really brings you to life.

I recently felt bad for cleaning in the zone- that I wasn’t being as silly & present as I hoped for. When I voiced that, feedback from someone was that I needed to be GRATEFUL I could see my babes every day. I thought how I am SO incredibly grateful that I can raise my kids. But I struggle constantly with the guilt of not tending to things. Or tending to things & not being there 100% to them. The other day, I had green marker on my leg from being decorated through my pants- for days. When I eventually took a long time to shower when my husband was home, I felt bad I wasn’t playing outside with the boys. But I know I deserve time to take when I can. I smiled looking at my jazzed up leg of mystery bruises and my green marker thigh. The boys were happy to draw on me.

It’s an ebb & flow- changes by the day. I put a fire out for things to then be distracted by another scream for poop, cleaning a spill- dog food everywhere, pee missing the toilet in a hurry to make potty, a screaming child who slams his foot & trips- collapsing in pain after I asked him to slow down. It’s food thrown after I prepped the exciting presentation & cut up pieces for the silly animal faces (I’m an artist now)- to spice up our days. A panicked cry from a night terror-to then squeeze my hand saying- “I love you” as he falls into a deep, deep sigh of sleep in my arms. It’s the new ultimate full body squeeze hug after a nap- that I think was just enough time for me to attack the mountain of dishes. But then I stop and smile at the massive hug of affection.

I felt guilty for the phone calls for work I intended to do, the plans of organizing & simplifying more. The days speed on by. When the moments are truly good & full of honest love, I think- THAT is the most important thing. Even as I hold my pee in so they don’t wake up- laying with their legs across my belly, debate having some solo time before the day begins, or have constant wakeups I quickly hope will not end in dominos of the house waking up from the babe, it changes. I think of feeling so thirsty for water but don’t want to move as the boys roll on to me in their sleep. This will pass & I will want to EAT up these snuggles.

Again- NONE of this is to complain or demand sympathy. Being a mother is hard, often unrecognized work. It is the best, most amazing thing. And the uncertainty some have for the health of their loved ones in our lives here, or afar overseas is to not take away from that unimaginable pain. But it’s simply to bring some lightness, some realness to the current stage of life I’m in with my dinosaur boys & trying to do the best I can. If I can connect with one other person, I’m here for it & that matters.

I recently saw someone that I’ve had major strain, hesitancy, and years of conflict with. Their current health status was so debilitating and difficult to watch, that it almost forced me to just be present with the moments together. Being grateful for air in my lungs & that of my family is the most important thing. To harp on the past can keep us sick. My therapist told me years ago-that secrets keep us sick & even as a therapist myself- I truly believe it. If you are struggling, reach out. No one can do it alone. If you have a barrier up, honor that. But consider that opening that door one day can be helpful for both of you- along with allowing your healing to continue- on your terms.

We are resilient and stronger than we know. I think that with sleep, SNACKS, music, and time outside (trying to soak up these days of sunshine before the snowstorms)- it refreshes the soul. I wish you a peaceful, silly, graceful, and productive week- even if that means letting yourself not shower to take a nap, let the house listen to a song mama wants to dance to, and to be honest that we can lose ourselves from being present. But we can come back from it. A hug, a yell for- “look mama!” us picking up a pretty leave outside, getting excited about silly, small things- that all matters. It matters to them, it helps us not take everything so seriously, and it helps us to lighten the F up.

Their mood is better- the sillier I am. When I get upset, they start to unravel more. Ultimately, I want to work at being more patient. So in closing, little things matter. I say it every night during prayers-“Never give up; we will always figure it out.”

***If you have a small business & hoping to spread the word--- PLEASE let me know. I want to expand resources a ton.<3

Have a wonderful week ahead!!
 
We rise by lifting others.
 
LOVE & LIGHT BABY
 
Kristen
845-548-1583
   

"Speak the truth- even if your voice shakes."