February- & 2024?! How are we here?

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I feel the past few months have been a blur. First off- HELLO. (Adele voice) Know I have thought of you supportive women & am so grateful for the grace of being somewhat MIA. I think since November, the household has been hit with some type of sickness for the majority of the past 3 months. I think we had COVID then RSV again or some other crazy level sickness, croup, the stomach bug rotating in, etc. Gratefully, in this moment- everyone seems to be healthy.

 

I feel for the chronically ill parents & those little babes who struggle with more serious health concerns. My family helped care for a little one briefly- who is in a rough, long road of divorce. I found myself swamped & overwhelmed at caring for someone who was not my own. I wanted to instill the most love & care for the time we had together. Kudos to foster parents, to those who step in, to the helpers, to the givers who exist to support their loved ones without question.  I hope that you are all staying warm & toasty and for my out of staterssss (word?)- enjoy that sunshine & flip flops if you’re rocking them.

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-->Focus this week? The mixed pull at the heart. The frustration of getting sneezed into your face without notice- with the immediate lunge at you randomly during the day to pick them up for a hug. The major fights & kicking because you- God forbid want to change the bomb of a poop ass- to increase everyone’s oxygen, to then laughing at your silly faces. The peekaboo game over and over with hysterical laughing like you never heard it the first time- and your heart just stops.     The excitement of welcoming a fish family & naming the green one- The Grinch, followed by an all out tantrum of who gets to feed them.

 

The triumph screaming of pooping & then crying because dad isn’t the one wiping the butt. My guilt in missing part of a community activity and then those sweet eyes lighting up as they recognize you walking through the door to surprise them. It’s waves of highs and lows- often within minutes of another. It’s screaming to use the knife in cooking together on the floor and then panic when the band aid doesn’t immediately stop the cut on the toe. But those sweet requests- I could melt: asking for a mama kiss to have it feel better, asking to be held, wanting the airplane to feed during dinner. These are the moments I want to EAT UP.

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I recently heard a mother talking about the dread she had in attending weekend activities- sports, games, whatever the case may be. She was so excited to not need to go and to have someone else take care of the kid. I kind of stood back- trying not to judge because it felt so unnatural to me. How could you not be smitten if your kid was? How can you not want to see your kids explore, try new things, and to be so excited because they are? Then I thought about the trenches of motherhood- the exhaustion, the hormones, the EXHAUSTION that comes with the amazing moments. I refrained from judging and tried to lean into her experience- feeling relief to have time away from a new activity.
 

Another parent I heard complained about being home with their children during break from school. I know the family endured hardship in the past and I thought of how lucky I felt to be alive. I know this family was saved from danger & that their lives- including their children could have been lost. I was shocked to hear the dread and frustration in spending additional time home with her much older children. In reflection, I think to have endured so much loss. My cousin who passed recently had a birthday. I found myself overwhelmed with sadness- envisioning his grieving mother. All the hopes, dreams, and blur of a life known to have felt so cut short. I find myself trying to be present in the moments because soon things will change. More independence- more activities, less time home. More people to share with and a growing, developing, and beautiful life to build.

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I wish I could freeze time- truly so incredibly much. I never wished it in my life but this past week or so as my oldest turned 4 and my little guy approaching 2- I want it with every being in my soul. I know that there are so many things to look forward to. I know- “there are far, far better things ahead- than any we leave behind.” But these moments, these “1 more time” or “1 more book” are here for now but I want to stay present and know I did everything I could to give love, silliness, and support for my boys.

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I’m sending SO MUCH LOVE to my new mamas, the grieving ones, the tired and exhausted ones, the confident ones, and the mama helpers (aunts, god mamas, neighbors, sisters, & friends) who lift each other up. Know no matter how long has gone by- I think of you often. I reach out in my head like it’s my job and then get distracted by screams for snacks, poop dates, or something breaking all over the floor. Know you are not forgotten, you are stronger than you may every feel on your rough days, & you are doing great. I’m here for anything I can do to help. And for anyone who has a business you want to bravely spread the word of, an idea, anything you want to pick my brain on, I’d LOVE to hear from you.

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One last thing- I saw something on bullying and it broke my heart. Stand up for kids, people, strangers as HUMANS. If you see someone solo in the store- no matter who they are, or if you already got what you needed in the aisle- say hi to them. Suicide struggles & rates are no joke and it takes 3 seconds to acknowledge someone. We are all doing the best that we damn well can. And if you need someone to lift you up, know you are NEVER ALONE.

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“All the darkness of the world can not put out the light of one small candle. “Try to focus on things that build you up. Give yourself grace.

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Also- if you need a quick mood booster, I highly encourage- “LET’S GOOOO” by Lil Jon because who doesn’t need an old, good beat to mix up your day? 😊

Lastly- I say it every night in prayers- “Don’t ever give up; we will always figure it out.”

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LOVE & light- Kristen